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If you’re talking about common-law marriage, then yes, you do need a lawyer if you ever decide to split.

I and most of my friends are in couples who live together. They’re as married as anyone with a ceremony; but they’ve never had to deal with the expense and insanity of a ceremony. Win-win, as far as we’re concerned.

And yes, our finances aren’t tangled together – and if we ever decided to split, we don’t need to get lawyers involved.

You and I have wildly different levels of stability. I will definitely move within the next three years, and will probably move at the end of this year. I haven’t lived in one place for more than two years since I graduated from college four years ago, and last year I moved three or four times, depending on what you count. The only added inconvenience of living with the person I’m dating is that I have to move this year and next year, not just next year. On the logistical plus side, it’s cheaper and I’m not constantly packing an overnight bag.

The difference in my head is that I’d like to be with her permanently, I just can’t see that far ahead in my life. So I figure, might as well see if it works now. If we move different places next year, no worse to extricate my stuff and my life than it would have been in my current 4-person house. If we stay together, we’ll probably move to the Bay Area and be financially compelled to live together anyway.

1) Actually, I saw no reason for Jane to change her name. Even after we were married, I once tried to get a message to her under her “maiden” name. Ity was she who teased me “What is my name?”, and set the expectation that it would be Jane Kay. Me? I saw no reason to change it. I’m bewildered by this as I am by the tendency of the NEXT generation to follow the name change path.

2) Diamond ring was avoided for a couple reasons: A) Jane doesn’t like diamonds, B) We thought it was an idiotic way to waste money, when we were really going to need a new car. We did go the egalitarian route on wedding bands, but both of us generally find jewelry too cumbersome and don’t wear them.

3) We lived together in anticipation of marriage. However, I could see living together without that expectation. It is more conveniently logistically, if you expect to be something like primaries of each other. It is also possible to realize that however close you are, one or both will be headed to new turf once they graduate or some similar event forces a seperation of location. Mostly, this depends on how detached the people can be and if they can say “You know, this is a nice relationship, but we just are meant to be forever with each other.”

(I suppose I could address the batchlor party and “ball and chain” and sexual expectation things too, but they seemed to have been ladled on just to be sensitive and PC)

Incidentally, I developed this personal quasi-requirement only after observing a significant number of men who seemed to be looking for a girlfriend primarily so they could stop washing their own socks and providing their own food (or having their mothers wash and provide in the meanwhile). YMMV, of course.

We’re just not sure we won’t break up in three years.

But if you’re not sure you’ll be together in three years, you’re saying that in more than one but possibly less than three years, you’ll both have to extricate your stuff, find new places to live, etc. I understand this for temporary-roommate-planning; I don’t understand it when it’s added to a relationship, rather than being a plannedly temporary thing.

I’ve lived with SOs twice – one I was engaged to, and one where I thought we were just roommates and there was nothing romantic involved. (Samwise, it turned out, had other ideas, but that’s another story.) I did have SOs in between who wanted to move in together and it just struck me as asking for trouble; if I wasn’t sure I wanted to be with them permanently, why get all glued together when odds were we’d just have to unglue?

You know, that’s close to being me: between living with family, living in college housing, and living with roommates, I only actually lived all by myself for one year of my pre-married life (and no years of my married life).